Overcoming - Negative Inner Dialogue - Put your praise on
OVERCOMING NEGATIVE INNER DIALOGUE
"Put your praise on"
My name is Akesa Batchman. I am Polynesian from the south pacific island of American Samoa which means rich food, large family, and good vibes! I’m a mother of five, who recently relocated from California to North Carolina. Previously worked in the Healthcare Industry for almost 15 years and switched to Aviation 3 years ago. After traveling for work as a Flight Attendant based originally in Los Angeles then transferring to Washington DC, I decided to pursue obtaining my pilot’s license full time a few months ago.
Aviation has always been a dream I never imagined I could achieve, but I believe was birthed in me as a child while I was living in Hawaii.
Our family moved to San Diego when I was 12 years old, with my parents working as civilians with government jobs. In my culture we’re very spiritual and religion is a staple of our community, however my mom changed the trajectory of our family when she attended a revival in American Samoa and left her Catholic upbringing for a real relationship with Jesus Christ.
This is me being transparent. When I was fifteen I was molested by a family member. In my culture we didn’t discuss those type of issues and so I kept it a secret from my family until probably 5 years ago while I was in intense therapy for major depression, anxiety and diagnosed with bipolar 2 disorder.
I discovered during my therapy sessions that I dealt with my pain and suffering through self-medicating and violence. While in high school when the molestation had began, I would get into fights at school.
They were mostly me helping my so-called friends who were partying and shooting off at the mouth which inevitably ended in a fight. This volatile course led me to putting some girl in the hospital and was arrested and sent to juvenile hall. Surprisingly, it was the only place I felt safe.
What’s funny is that I knew God but I didn’t have this real relationship with Jesus Christ. I think as a child when something tragic like this happens you don’t know how to process these types of issues. Once I was released from juvenile hall, I was attending church and believing that my life was getting better when I was sexually assaulted by a deacon. By now I was done with the church, not necessarily God.
Weirdly enough I was able to separate God from the church because my child like mind processed that human beings with a will and bad intentions had violated me. Not the God of the universe who knew me and knitted me in my mother’s womb. He I could trust, but as far as the church was concerned I was over it. I stumbled through my early adulthood carrying this cloak of shame made of glass. Even after having my children, getting married, and working I wasn’t fulfilled.
Part of that was because my mind wasn’t healed of the trauma. How could it? I was a young woman whose parents were baby Christians trying to raise me and my siblings, maintains godly marriage, and couple that with English being their second language so it was tough.
So, things to came to head about 5 years ago when I was sexually harassed. Over the span of my adulthood I learned through therapy that, incidents that would trigger my anxiety and depression would cause these little cracks.
The only way I can explain it is that the cloak of shame I was carrying was invisible to everyone else and these cracks were shattering my peace, my self-worth and when it finally exploded I was in despair because that’s all I knew was this shame. It almost felt like that’s how I identified myself. Damaged goods. This lead to my suicidal thoughts and self-medicating with alcohol and hurting myself.
One day, when I was driving down the freeway, my mind was overwhelmed with my failed marriage, my separation from my children, and finding myself homeless and unemployed. I was fully sobbing and there was this thought, more like a whisper saying, “You did your best, it’s probably time for you to just move on and leave this world.” And through my despair I entertained, and actually made this declaration to God saying, “You’re the God of the Universe, my presence here in this world is insignificant. I know you’ll take care of my kids when I’m gone.” and I started to drive towards oncoming traffic.
Suddenly, I heard God speak... audibly saying, “Your life is not yours to take.”
A fear... a holy fear came over me, and I started apologizing, “Yes, Lord! You’re absolutely RIGHT! My life belongs to you. What was I thinking.”
Since then, I embarked on a lengthy custody battle, which I was able to relocate my son to North Carolina with me.
To say that I haven’t had “episodes” of dark thoughts would be deceitful, but what I can say to our audience is that our lives belong to God, and that He is the Beginning and the End which means everything in between is not a surprise to Him. He is our Provider and He has surrounded me not only with His Word but divine godly connections. I maybe 3,000 miles away from my tribe who I prayed and fellowshipped with on a weekly basis, so even though the enemy wants us to believe that we’re isolated or alone, the reality is, we’re not.The resources that are available to us i.e, social media and technology allow for us to connect.
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